Naku sobrang excited na naman...
After almost four months of living in hell, trying to get over him....eto nagpapakagaga na naman ako sa sobrang tuwa. This is the first time after the break up na we arranged a meeting. Date para sa ilan pero im trying to tell myself...."hindi no! wag kang umasa!" Gusto kong paniwalain yung sarili ko, "we're just friends now, he's just trying to be nice" Pero what would a girl do.... Sabi nga ni Tina Paner sa song nya, "tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib..." Haaaay, naku Hija!
Sa sobrang tuwa di mo namamalayan palubog ka na naman pala. Palubog sa feelings mong sing-lalim ng balon na pinaggalingan ng multo ng "the ring." Ay hindi, singlalim pa ng dagat na pinaglubugan ng Titanic. Di mo alam kung anong meron talaga sa ilalim, di mo alam kung sa'n nanggaling...basta alam mo meron.
Bakit ka nga ba excited, e iniwan ka na nga dati, di ka pa nadala. Iniwan kang wala kahit anong salita. He's trying to be nice.....nice ba yon?! Di man lang sinabi sa'yo kung anong problema? Sumobrang pangit ka na ba, ung buhok mo ba 'di na cute sa'yo, o baka naman tumaba ka na ng husto na di na pang-girlfriend material ang arrive mo. Baka naman madaldal ka na masyado, minamandohan mo ba siya? Sabi nga ni Aries...You're loud. E anong gagawin ko, sa yun talaga ung personality ko? Sabi nga nila, don't expect a person to change for you, coz you might not know it but you might be missing the very things that made you fall in love with her. Tsaka at that time di naman sya nagreklamo. Dapat sana sinabi nya kung anong problema sa'yo, baka naremedyohan pa. Now, it made me remember ung sinabi naman ni Louanne, "did i not make him happy?" Well, even if I did, it didnt seem enough for him.
Ano pa nga bang kulang? Kinain ko na lahat ng pride ko just to hold on to the relationship and make him stay pero wala pa din. Alam mo yun, yung things you wouldnt expect a girl to do. There was a time that I really saw it coming. Alam kong malapit na ung day that i would hate to come. Kumbaga sa driving, you saw the sign na dead end na pero hoping that it would still change when you get there, hoping na mali lang ung sino mang naglagay ng sign na un, instead of turning left or right to avoid reaching that dreaded part, you still went straight ahead. At pagdating mo nga dun, ayun, ang lakas ng impact. Ang sakit. At some point, kala ko nagbago na siya, kala ko na-realize na nya ung mga mali nya. I heard him say, "Im sorry, I'll make it up to you." So I gave him days, that turned into weeks, and eventually into months. Pero wala pa ding nangyari. I kept asking him whats wrong pero he refused to answer. It hurts coz you dont exactly know where to stand. Should I stay or should I go. I'm so much willing to work things out if only he could tell me... and show me.... that he's willing to do the same.
Finally, he told me what's going on. He just dont know if he still wants to stay, ang masakit pa lalo, hindi rin nya alam if he still loves me. Shit. I asked if there is another person involved pero wala naman daw. Naisip ko that time, mas mabuti pa ata kung nalaman ko na lang na may iba syang gusto, at least may dahilan. Hindi ung basta na lang nawala. Ano yon?! Lobo na lumipad na lang basta sa langit? At least may dahilan akong magalit sa kanya. Pero ewan ko, kahit gusto kong magalit parang di ko magawa. Now, i understand. Mas nakaka-relate na ko ngayon sa mga lines nila sa movies na akala ko noon corny, pero ngayon totoo pala. Meron din palang pinanggagalingan ung line nila sa meteor garden, endless love at kung anu-ano pang teleseryeng sumusulpot ngayon.
Tapos eto na nga, ang pinakahihintay kong sandali. Kumbaga sa eRep e ito na ung moment of truth ko. Ung magkausap kami uli. Pero it was so sudden i didnt have time to think over what i would say to him, how should i act. Okay lang ba na medyo cool pa rin na parang buddies, o dapat ba medyo seryoso ako para alam niyang matured na ko.
Okay na sana, we were talking. Normal na kwentuhan. Bigla ka ba naman sabihan ng "pa-hug naman ako." I did, coz at that time that was the right thing to do, naisip ko. When we did, sobrang higpit.... and it made me look back on all the things that happened between us. I was waiting for him to say sorry, for the things he did a few months ago, or rather for the things he did not do. Pero wala. That moment ended without any word from him. I think he was too proud to even say "I miss you." And what could hurt more than hearing from him things that he enjoyed while you were not there. Hearing him move on, with you completely out of his life. It hurts to pretend you're okay when you can literally hear yourself screaming wanting to tell him how much you long to be "with" him.
Right now, I'm still wondering. Is it still worth a last desperation shot? Maybe somethings are best left as a mystery. I just hope...... well, i don't even know what to hope for. Maybe just for me to get better, after going back to zero. Wish me luck.
